Why us?
by i Love Lawliet
Summary: A letter written by Sirius Black and Remus Lupin to all of you S/R slashie writers! and they aren't happy about it! Alternative pairings inside T for Sirius' potty mouth and a little OOC for my usual taste but as it continues, i'll attempt to get back IC
1. Chapter 1

A/N: Same-Sex pairings will be referred to as "Slash or Slashies"

Alright, here's a little story I wrote down in a worn out notebook like… nearly two years ago that I planned on putting on HPFF when I was into that sort of thing. From what I have on this site so far, I haven't really done any ranting stories but I thought you all should know that I absolutely love ranting. Which is pretty much all this story consists of but from the POV of Remus Lupin and Sirius Black so without further adieu,

_**Why Us?!?**_

_Remus Lupin_

**Sirius Black**

_Dear Readers, _

_We are shocked and greatly appalled by what we have read on this site containing certain slash (same-sex-pairing) between the two of us. We have decided to write a letter to all of you fangirls out there kindly explaining that WE ARE __NOT__ GAY. We hope that this will not come to a shock but to those to whom it does, all we can say is _**what the hell is wrong with you people?!? When have we ever com off as gay?? I seriously want to know where all of you crazy-ass people get some of the fucked-up ideas you write about containing myself and my nothing-more-than-a-friend, Remus.**

_All that we're trying to say is that we are greatly insulted by the slash stories (though we have nothing against homosexuals). We would just like to know why you all chose us. _**You don't see nearly as many Ron/Harry stories or Remus/James **_or Sirius/James or Sirius/Snape _**or Remus/Peter **_Sirius/Umbridge _**(BURN!) or Remus/Voldemort **_or Sirius/Lucius or much of any female slashies _**Which is really too bad… **_But what we're trying to say is we don't see how we are seen as gay over all the other equally seemingly gay friendships. _**Seriously, that Malfoy kid must be having some sort of three-some with Crabbe and Goyle. But how do we come off as gay over everyone else? I'm supposed to have girls all over me! Honestly, first I get killed by drapery, and now people are making fun of me and calling me gay! Do people really have that little respect for me?**

_Alright. Sirius and I have decided to forgive all of you obviously misled writers just as long as the slashies stories STOP! We have decided to give you some alternative slash pairings (if you MUST and/or NEED to write slashies, that is) that we both find rather amusing._** Bloody hilarious is more like it!**

**Ron/Harry**

_Two best friends since they first met. Who wouldn't suspect anything more between them? We don't exactly approve of this since we know both of them_** and thay'd be seriously pissed if they knew we were sacrificing them to make ourselves look better but sacrifices must be made and mercy is for the weak!**

_Snape/Lucius_

_Our personal favorite pairing. Two Slytherins. _**Both with feminine long hair. **_Both with obvious issues, _**trying to cover up feelings.**_Signs of homosexual denial___**Plus, both are complete gits. 'nuf said. **

**Lucius/Voldemort**

_We all know Lucius Malfoy is a strong supporter of Voldemort, but perhaps there's a side to their relationship no one knows about? It could be filled with plenty of dark stuff and horror_** (dark horrible SEX!) **_making this slashies tons of fun with endless possibilities__** (possibly)**_

_Snape/Peter _

_What better for a slashies? A rat and its pet slimeball! _**Think of the possibilities for this one! **_you could have horror, dark and romance that could be disturbing and _**not to mention somewhat hilarious!**

**Snape/Karkaroff.**

**Both seemingly devoted to the Dark Lord, making peoples' live hell and perhaps EACHOTHER?!? **_You could be the brilliant writer credited with writing_

_**Snape and Karkaroff: What You Thought You Knew but Didn't Really **_

**Wouldn't you like to be credited with an awesome story like that? **_I know I would._

_Malfoy/Crabbe/ Goyle_

_A disturbing threesome! _**You know what? We don't even what to touch on this one, it's way too nasty! **_Though it could work with their dads as well, they always seemed to be more than friends back in the day…_

_Snape/Malfoy (JR)_

**A little disturbing bit of romance making Snape sort of a pedophile… **_He always seemed to care a little TOO much for that kid… _**I can see it now… "Malfoy, get into my office so that we can have hardcore, slimy, sex or I'll give you detention and show everyone those pictures!" **_That's disgusting. _**But you can see it happening! **_That's the most disgusting part._

_Alright! Now that we've given you our reasoning and even a few ulterior methods of slash stories, please, no more Remus/Sirius slash stories how would you like it if someone wrote stories about you and your best friend being gay together? _**You'd be as pissed as we are! We still don't understand where your reasoning comes from and why it's us that's the most popular pairing but please enlighten us, we're dying to know.**

_Remus Lupin_

_**&**_

**Sirius Black**

A/N: Okay so whether or not I continue this will depend on the reviews of course, slashies won't nessesarily be the only topic Remus and Sirius will rant about but they are honestly curious as to the answers to their questions and hope that you will take their suggestions to heart and stop the R/S pairings!

i.L.L


	2. Chapter 2

Ahhh…. I haven't written anything in a really long time! I was looking through all of my stuff and people seemed to enjoy this one so I decided, why not write some more for it!! Plus, Remus and Sirius have been itching to respond so some of these so-called "arguments" against them.

_Italics = Remus_

_**Bold= Sirius**_

_Alright, so let's see some of these arguments posted against us._

_Hmmm… _twiggysrabies _seemed to have several reasons pointing to our apparent…_

**Gayness. **

_Yeah. Gayness. _

_Let's see what she has to say._

"Remus and Sirius lived together.

Remus and Sirius gave Harry a joint gift.

Remus can control Sirius as seen in the 5th book when Remus told Sirius to sit down, and he promptly did.

They have history together.

The canine influence."

_Now let's just pick these reasons apart one by one._

**I'm looking forward to it.**

_Okay, us living together is hardly an argument. Being a werewolf, it's hard for me to have a job. Therefore, being a good __friend__ –_

**Friend as in friend. Not gay lover.**

_Thank you, Sirius. Anyway. Being a loyal (and straight) friend, Sirius allowed me, and the entire Order, for that matter, to live in his home for a short amount of time._

**It was because I'm so good of a person, not because it's always been my dream to share the same house as him… I said it WASN'T!!**

…_Moving right along…Reason #2 can be traced back and explained with the money is tight explanation. _

**Also because we argued endlessly over who should get to give it to him.**

_So we ended up making it a joint gift._

**Mostly because Remus was sick of wrestling on the floor over it.**

_We did __**not**__ wrestle on the floor! Stop encouraging them!_

**REASON NUMBER 3! … now that one's just stupid. He can't **_**control**_** me. No one can **_**control **_**me. I am my own person, damnit! Just because he told me to do something and I did it, doesn't mean he can control me. Plus, if we were in a relationship (which we aren't), don't you think **_**I **_**would be the dominating one? I mean, Remus is a flat-out pussy! (not saying he has one, as far as I know, that is.)**

_Hey! I am not! _

**Face it, Remus, you're about as masculine as a patch of daisies.**

_Hey! I'm the one that's __**married**__. To a __**woman!**_

**Well, if Rowling had let me live, maybe I could've gotten married, too!**

_Oh, don't pull the death card, it's not like anyone can do anything about it now._

**Hell! She had her chance to bring be back, damnit! Why not just **_**pull me out from the fricken veil??**_** Boom! Problem solved! Sirius is alive! **

_Yeah, well she felt that it would have taken from the plot or—_

**Taken from the plot?!?! I practically was the plot!!**

_Now, now, let's not get __**too**__ egotistical…_

**Screw you, I'm leaving!**

……_By "screw" he did not mean "have sex with". Just to clear that up._

_You promise?_

**Yeah, yeah… it won't happen again. **

_Alright. We're back after __**someone**__ had to get all mopey over the fact that he's dead._

**You say it as though it's not a big deal!**

_Well, it happened years ago, you'd think you'd be over it by now._

_Ever read "The Lovely Bones"? SHE never really got over until her death was resolved._** MY death was never resolved so I CAN'T get over it. **

_Let's not get into this again… we still have questions to answer._

…**fine. But I won't like it.**

_Do either of us really like it? Anyway… reason number 4. This so-called "history" we have is being friends in school. _

**You have friends in school, right?**

_I sure hope so…_

**Shut up, Fluffy. My point is, you have friends in school but you aren't having…. "relations" with all of them, are you?**

_I hope not, otherwise you might wanna get that checked out._

**Point is, being friends in school does NOT mean that you're gay for each other.**

_Now, the canine influence __**might**__ have made sense… _

**If it were so ridiculous! Seriously? Why don't you just throw Peter and James together because they're both **_**mammals**_**. **

_And it's not like the whole being a werewolf thing reflects my personality the way that a patronus does. I just happened to be bitten by a werewolf. That doesn't connect us in any way at all._

_Does that suffice all of your arguments, twiggysrabies?_

**From LadyLupin7 we have**

"…when you saw each other again in the Shrieking Shack your 'brotherly embrace' looked a little more than brotherly..."

_When something is described in a book as nothing but "brotherly", how can you get anything out of it other than "brotherly"?_

'**Nuff said. You guys talk about reading between the lines but you're reading NOTHING because there's nothing THERE!**

**And MyGalPawsy? Could you have made this statement any more corny, cheesy and unbelievable??**

"They fit. Dog and wolf, star and moon. Does that happen by coincidence? I think not"

_You, M'am are reading WAAAAAY too much into this. I fear it's crossing over into obsession and as we all know, that isn't healthy._

**Not to mention it sounds so stupid when you say it, we don't feel we even need to explain it.**

_I have to agree with what my friend harshly said. _

"that was funny and gave me some sick and twisted ideas for slash stories."

**YES**, **Moosxaxlot****! Take all of those sick and twisted ideas we gave you before and use them to write your sick and twisted slashie stories that AREN'T about Remus and I!**

_And a shout out to AGRIMLIKEDOG, who also hates slashies. _

**Keep the arguments coming and we'll be sure to reply to them, but that's all for now.**

_Thank you for listening and please help stop the slashie stories, they're becoming more popular and starting to take over!!_

_**With heterosexual love,**_

_Remus __**and **_**Sirius**


End file.
